bye xanga...

http://theworldismyoyster22.tumblr.com/

i'll still use you for memories though :)

About 5 posts into one? Let's keep this short, with all the papers and assignments this term, the LAST thing I want to do is write/type. 

1. Japan :( Prayers are coming to you!! It really is a wake-up call that nothing certainty and nothing will last forever. However, kudos to them for having over 2 billion dollars saved up to aid for this disaster and another 4 billion dollars for future incidents. Can't say that I have even 1% of that confidence in our government though.

2. I could never be a stay-at-home mom. You just never have time to NOT do stuff. Being at home just MAKES you notice that there is stuff to do. On Thursday, I spent like 5 hours cooking, washing dishes, cooking, washing dishes, washing dishes. THEY JUST KEEP COMING! I'm so behind now after taking care of my sister for 2 days. Thank God she's pretty obedient.

3. The sisters have lice. I repeat, the SISTERS (as in BOTH) have lice. UGH. It's like real life quarantine. I came home, tied my hair up as high as it would go on my head, cut my nails short and stripped EVERY piece of washable material off EVERYTHING. This is so gross. And my dad is leaving tomorrow. And Elaine is still sick. And has lice. HOMG. I don't know how we're going to survive these 3 weeks.

4. Revelation is really...funky. It SHOULD be encouraging and I guess something to look forward too..but all the imagery is quite scary. Maybe I should stop reading it before I go to bed. If they made a movie out of the book from a literal sense, it would probably be categorized as a thriller or something. It strikes a lot of questions in my head that I want to blog about, but then I forget. However one thing just keeps reoccurring: will I enjoy being in Heaven and just worshiping God all day? Maybe it's just the sin in me or my lack of understanding of what is yet to come. No offence, but it seems awfully...repetitive and dry up in Heaven. God don't strike me. This is the honest truth. You would know even if I didn't say anything. Please open my heart so I can understand. 

i don't know why, but i feel a lot of stress. internal stress. external stress. just stress period. 

yet i'm also overwhelmed with laziness and neutrality that it took me 3 days to finally write this blog.

i hate online courses. although your identity seems to be "hidden" because no one ever see's you..but in a way you feel more exposed. at least in classes that require heavy discussion and sharing of your work. for philosophy we had to do peer-review for other people's papers. maybe i was too harsh. wow i would make a horrible teacher. so yes the paper itself was only 1000 words but we had to cough up a 500 word review for someone else. maybe philosophy really isn't my thing. but honestly, her paper were full of amateur mistakes. maybe she's still new to the English language. but i hardly doubt it because her writing during discussion and her paper were like on opposite ends of the spectrum. i really couldn't even add to her discussion because her improper use of verbs, tenses, even wrong words just distracted me altogether. yes, that' great that T wrote a better and more insightful review that was according to the rubric..but i really think my points will help her improve on her overall writing so people can actually easily see her points and not get distracted by technicalities.

living in this environment is hard. maybe i'm just too focused on myself. i just can't seem to see where i'm improving in anyway. it's one thing when people voluntarily come to tell you that "wow you've changed! it's awesome" but you don't see it yourself...and it's another when you KNOW you're getting worse yet you still wanna ask others to see if you are changing  for the better. what can i blame it on? my nature? my environment? the horrible combination of my nature and my current environments? *sigh...

i don't understand. if God is so great, why does He not attract us? why is it SO hard to read the bible? to pray? to be close to Him and just voluntarily follow His word? why is it SO easy to just drift off...to doubt Him...to be fed up and lose hope? i really need a breaking point. a life changing experience. i dread leading worship. i dread telling people and having to lead people closer to One that i myself cannot even stay close to. sharing my own thoughts and opinions is one thing...leading others is another. i hope something happens..but i'm also scared of what i wish for.

please take away: my hate. my impatience. my anger. my jealousy. my arrogance. my ignorance. my stubbornness. my self-centeredness. my insensitivity. my inconsiderate-ness. my laziness. my evilness. my lust. my worries. my stress. my need to be in control. my lack of trust. my inappreciativeness. my pride. my record of wrongs. my coveting. my blindness. my disobedience. my idols. my temptations. and so many more...

i want it to be replaced with: gentleness. love. kindness. patience. humbleness. servant-mentality. obedience. forgiveness. appreciation. joy. peace. goodness. truth. justice. contentment. discipline. eagerness. encouragement. security...

i feel better. for now..

maybe this wasn't a blessing but a curse.

what..now you're too busy for everything right? ohh im so busy i don't even have time to go to the bathroom. isn't that want you wanted? honestly, if you're going to do something, do it right. it's called professionalism. maybe you shouldn't just jump into something you haven't figured out. oh, you need our support? what support? maid support? what more? your "area" has already been cleaned..and now look at it. did we not attempt to help?

and YOU. seriously, you're so fake i think i just puked a little. don't give me that shit attitude. you're in no position at all okay. eff you. 

life is hard. like a rock.

FULLY RELY ON GOD!!

...opportunities of a lifetime..just might not be right..in this lifetime...